Pattern Recognition: Know the Signs of Abuse
TW: domestic and sexual violence
I was getting a ride from a friend and they noticed the dark bruises on my forearm. I was flooded with embarrassment; I was a new mother in a world I didn’t belong in and I had seen the ever increasing signs of abuse. Anger and control diminished my voice once the baby was born and truth be told, at the time I felt it my burden to bare. I grew up in domestic violence and was well versed in its various ugly heads. I struggled with the internal yo-yo between believing I was worthless and knowing deep down I deserved better — if for no reason but my own humanity, inherently worthy of dignity.
I sat in the passenger seat and glanced at my friend, wanting to jump out and run away as fast as I could while at the same time screaming in my head, desperate to beg them to rescue me. My face burned in shame, but I simply smiled, shook my head, and said it was nothing — just me being a klutz. They didn’t pry further. I didn’t want them involved; this was my problem and I didn’t want them hurt. As I got out of the car, they leaned over and said, “You deserve better than this. If you need me, let me know.”
I expected judgment, but my friend’s eyes were full of love, compassion, and concern. That was our last goodbye and I never saw them again. A few weeks later, after being beaten and repeatedly raped, suffering the worst and thankfully, last of the abuse. With my friend’s words echoing through my ears, I escaped with my small baby, finding out shortly thereafter I was pregnant with my second child. I left everything and everyone I knew to save my life — our lives — and give my children a chance at a better life. We faced housing, food, and medical insecurity, social stigma and discrimination for years. But with that came fortitude, adventure, education, opportunities, and love.
20 years later I still sometimes flinch, but I also remember how in that one moment someone really saw me, gifting me the light of hope I would use to guide my way out of the darkness that had enshrouded me for far too long.
Love and compassion go a long way, but when used to help break the cycle of abuse, they are our most powerful weapons. Recognizing patterns is usually only easy when one is reflecting on the past. Trust your gut and know your worth, even if you find yourself in some terrifying moments.
If you wonder what some of abuse warning signs are, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network has sections broken down by age group. If you or someone you know is experiencing or has experienced physical or sexual violence or dating violence or if you are an abuser seeking help, there are resources available.
Please call Utah's 24-hour Sexual Violence Crisis Line at 1-888-421-1100 or RAINN at 800-656-HOPE (4673)