Too Young to Marry: a personal story

by ANONYMOUS

I was raised the oldest of seven children in a very active LDS family. I had parents who loved and respected each other, and their children. Looking back, I think that because I loved and trusted my parents so completely I assumed that their membership in the church, and decision to raise their children in the church, meant that they agreed with what I was taught in church, even when it was in contrast to things they taught in our home. In some ways, my parents taught by both word and example the traditional Mormon narrative. For example, my mother never worked while she was raising children. She quit college before graduating in order to support her husband in his education and then became a stay-at-home mom. In other ways, they taught me ideas that were not the traditional Mormon narrative, particularly regarding their hope that I would complete a college education and that delaying having children was a valid option.

I received mixed messages from church teachings, as well. Young women are taught to get an education, but not delay marriage or having children. Dating before age 16 is forbidden, group dating is encouraged until young men return from their missions, and then the instruction is to get married as soon as possible. This means that young LDS people are getting married without the benefit of having developmentally necessary dating experiences, and that they get married far younger than the national average.

Other mixed messages included the teaching that Eve was the crowning event of creation and, therefore, women are put on a pedestal. But, their husbands are born to rule over them. We should be proud that we have the oldest and largest women’s organization in the world, but we have no autonomy or authority unto ourselves. Sexism is blatant in denying young women the priesthood, in the funding and content of activities for young men vs. young women, and in lesson topics for the youth. My memories of the lessons and activities from my teenage years are a focus on preparing us for marriage and motherhood. We were taught that a temple marriage is the only valid option and that it is the highest experience of our existence. No wonder dating and marriage were constantly on my mind.

I met my ex-husband when I was 14, and we started dating at age 15. My parents disapproved of my choice to date before age 16, and my particular choice in whom I was dating. He showed signs of being verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative very early on. I ignored the warning signs that my parents tried to get me to see because the attention I received from him, when it was good, was fun and validating. While I loved and respected my parents and should have trusted their advice, I was a head strong, somewhat rebellious, boy-crazy teenager, and nothing they did or said changed my mind or my behavior.

After on-again, off-again dating throughout high school, we got engaged toward the end of our senior year. We were both 17. Again, I received mixed messages. My parents were horrified, and his parents couldn’t’t have been more thrilled. His mother had been a child bride, lying about her age and getting married at the court house at age 16. They saw, in me, a good Mormon girl who they hoped would influence and bring good things to their son. They encouraged us in our relationship and I was flattered that they thought so much of me.

After a rocky engagement, we married in the Salt Lake City Temple in the summer of 1989, both at the age of 18. Within days of being married I knew I had made a mistake. But, I believed I had made covenants with God and there was no going back. I had been taught that divorce was not an option; that was Satan’s plan. President Kimball taught that any two people could make it work. I didn’t want to be the kind of person who walked away.

It took ten years of being in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, my ex-husband’s choice to leave the church and his family, and my discovery of his pornography use and multiple infidelities, for me to finally agree to a divorce.

I realize that, ultimately, it was my choice to get married young, my choice to live with abuse rather than get a divorce, and my choice to end the marriage. I’ve reflected on my choices and tried to make sense of them. I’ve explored what influences from my personality, family, and church culture may have contributed to them. I’ve blamed myself for being immature, boy-crazy, selfish, and blind. I’ve blamed my mother for giving me the idea that there would never be a man as good as my father, which I subconsciously extrapolated into the idea that I might as well settle for anything. I’ve blamed the teachings of the church regarding covenants on my decision to stay in an abusive relationship. What I have not done, until very recently, is blame the church and/or church culture for influencing me to get married at such a young age in the first place.

I’m beginning to see that the cultural influence of the church was so embedded in my psyche and development that it may have been the primary, albeit subconscious, influence in my decision making process. The constant focus on preparing for marriage eclipsed the teachings about education and missions. The acceptance and excitement about my engagement from some members of my church community validated my decision, and I ignored the few warnings I received from family and friends. This cultural influence eclipsed even the contrasting message I received explicitly from what should have been the primary influence, the teachings of parents I loved, trusted, and respected.

Sometimes, I wonder if I had been raised in a different state, in a different religion, if the cultural influence would have encouraged me to develop myself as a person before focusing on marriage, and if I would have made different choices. I wonder who I would be, what experiences I may have had, and what career I might have pursued. I am now remarried and in a healthy and happy relationship. I teach my children to use my life as an example of what not to do. Ultimately, they will all make their own decisions and learn from them, as I did. I hope that, in time, the culture of the church can change towards a healthier perspective on personal development and what is widely understood as an appropriate age for marriage.

This is the next piece in a series of articles that discusses child brides in historic and modern times in Utah. The articles will be published over the next five weeks. Read the other pieces here,here,here,here, and here,here, and here.