Dear Martha: child bride empathy

by MARTHA

Dear Martha,

I come from Mormon Pioneer stock. I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and raised my children in the Church.

Over the past ten years, I have been really disturbed by the child sexual abuse in some of the polygamist communities in southern Utah. Warren Jeffs creeps me out and all of the young brides with old guys is so gross.

The recent articles about sexual abuse in the Mormon church during pioneer days has me completely on edge. It was so clearly wrong to me when I saw it happening outside of my church. How am I supposed to reconcile that the exact same things happened inside my church with Joseph Smith, and Brigham Young, and all the men of the time? I am reeling. I am shaken.

I love my children so much! Who are these mothers and fathers who would give up their daughters to this kind of life? Then or now?

I love my ward. I love my calling. I love the music and the traditions. But, it all feels like icing on a cake made of mud. Yuck!

Sincerely,

Struggling 

Dear Struggling,

I am right there with you. It makes me sick. My heart breaks for every child that has been abused. For everyone that has been abused. The fact of the matter is, any organization with a power structure is going to give some monster an opportunity to abuse that power. Mormonism is no exception. It is, heartbreakingly, human nature. It is easy to get bogged down by the horror of it all, how much danger there is in the world. It seems no one is safe. Nowhere is safe.

Your job, now, is to find a way to reframe how you see the world. Your worldview crumbled when you read about the child brides and sexual abuse. Now that you have this knowledge, you must rebuild it. It is a balancing act, being honest about the horrors of the world and maintaining some level of optimism or positivity. These days, it can feel impossible. It is emotional labor we must engage in. We are obligated to face the reality and honor of the victims. We are obligated to wake up every morning and find meaning in our lives. We are obligated to love. We cannot love if we grow bitter.

How do we not grow bitter? I don’t know. Watch Fred Rogers and read Brene Brown. Plant flowers. Go hiking. Spend time with those we love. Protect our kids. Build a better world for them.

As for your question regarding parents who give up their daughters? It’s amazing how far away we can get from what is right. We suppress our instincts and silence the voice in our head telling us better. We can convince each other of anything. Charles Manson convinced a bunch of teenage girls to commit heinous acts of murder. Not to compare the two scenarios! Eek! But, it’s an example of how far off our moral track we can get as humans. How do you reconcile? I don’t know. I wish I had an answer for you. You are going to have to dig, and pray, and question, and struggle. That’s ok. It’s ok to not know. It’s ok to struggle. Asking these questions is the only way to root your values in honesty.

No organization is perfect. No religion is free from scandal. Abuse is all too common. It is simply a reality we have to live with. We cope by asking the hard questions and doing our very best for our kids.

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.