Dear Martha: fortify friendship

by MARTHA

Dear Martha:

It’s about my friend, Hector. We are in high school and we used to be really close. We did everything together, hung out at each other’s houses, played basketball, went to football games, talked about girls, everything. He’s a cool guy.

But something’s going wrong. Hector misses school all the time, won’t go to games, doesn’t want to come over to my house, and is slowly dropping out of life. I still hang out at his house sometimes, but even that seems to make him nervous. We didn’t have a fight or anything like that. At first, I thought he might be doing drugs or something, but I’m pretty sure that’s not it either.

I think it’s an immigration thing. At school, some guys used to tease him about the fact that his family is Mexican, saying stuff like, “Why doesn’t your family go back where you belong?” I never thought about whether they are in the U.S. legally, but I guess it’s possible some of them are not. Hector and I never talk about that stuff.

I want my friend back. What should I do?

Signed,

El Amigo

Dear El Amigo,

I’m glad you want your friend back. You sound like a good one, and definitely one that Hector needs right now. “El Amigo” is right.

This situation breaks my heart. No doubt, the guys at school ridiculing Hector, and telling him to go back where he belongs, are nothing short of bullies who think they are righteous Americans. If I had my way, those boys would be made to watch “Hamilton” until they develop some understanding of what America really is.

Maybe his family members are here illegally. Maybe they are not. Judging Hector for it, is wrong. Making assumptions and generalizations about someone is wrong, no matter your political beliefs. Even if your political beliefs are not the same as my Hamiltonesque ones, you should still strive to treat people with decency and kindness, no matter what their circumstances. I think you, El Amigo, understand this without me having to describe it.

I’m not sure why Hector is distancing himself from you, but one reason might be that he fears the same kind of judgment he has been enduring from the bullies. If this is the case, you have a chance to prove to him you really are a good friend. Considering it’s something he might not want to talk about, I would start by respecting his privacy on the matter. I would approach him and say, “Hey Hector, we don’t have to talk about whatever might be going on in your life right now, but I want to keep being your friend.” I would also make it very clear to him that you are not okay with bullying or discrimination, and that you are on his side no matter what. Let him know that you are there if he needs anything, and that you would hope for the same from him.

I hope this will show Hector that you two can keep being friends. If not, show him compassion anyway. You never know what battles a person might be fighting.

Thank you for your thoughtful question and for being a good friend. The world could use more El Amigos.

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.