Dear Martha: being honest is kind

by MARTHA

Dear Martha,

I've been working at a great job for about two years now. Everything was perfect, but recently my world has been shaken up. We hired a new guy, Leonard, in a different department. He's about my age and, one day, he noticed my tattoos and some of the stuff on my desk. It turns out we share some of the same pop culture interests. I'm always happy to make a new friend, so we'd occasionally chat about the things we liked. Then, he started coming to my desk more often and talking for longer. Now, it's way out of hand. We share SOME interests, but not all. Here's an example: he'll come over and ask me about a TV show, and I'll politely tell him that I've never seen it before. But then, he’ll goes on and on about the show and start describing funny memes about the show, which I don't get because I'VE NEVER SEEN IT! So then, he goes back and tells me more about the show to give me all the necessary information I will need to appreciate the meme — you get it.

There's a restaurant near the office that I go to all the time to unwind and meet up with coworkers and other friends. Now, he's always there, always sitting next me, always talking, talking, talking. He never even pauses, so it's not like he's looking for a real conversation. It's gotten so bad that I gave up with the illusion of interest and will look at my phone, or the TV, or start conversations with other people, which would make me feel like a jerk if he even noticed.

He comes to my desk so often that he's disrupting my work flow, my favorite sanctuary has now been ruined, and on weekends he texts me all the time asking what I'm doing.

I really don't want to be his friend and I don't want the long interruptions when I'm trying to work, or socialize, or just unwind. How do I deal with this? Or, am I being rude by not wanting to be his friend?

- Milton the Misanthrope

Dear Milton,

Why is it that society has pounded all sorts of conditioning into our heads and, yet, we have no way of dealing with the Leonards of the world?! Why is it that we are expected to be nice at all costs? Leonard might be harmless. He might have a good heart, but his behavior is a real problem for you. I would chalk it up to a lack of social skills which, unfortunately, you are going to have to deal with. It's definitely not fair, but that's just the way it works.

You are not being rude by not wanting to be his friend. We are taught to be everyone's friend, but that's not my philosophy. My philosophy is that you are not obligated to be anyone's friend. We should be teaching our children to be kind, tolerant, and open-minded instead of "nice." We can treat each other well without being obligated to build some sort of inter-personal relationship. For a friendship to be authentic, both parties have to engage in building the relationship. Bending to someone else's will for the sake of following the social norm can be damaging to everyone involved. If you try to force yourself to be Leonard's friend, he would not get a real friend, would he? And you get nothing but an exercise in extreme patience. That sounds like a bad network TV reality show. "Next week on XTREME PATIENCE! Leonard enjoys talking at Milton and eating his mom's tuna casserole AT THE SAME TIME! Will. Milton. Survive."

To be clear, plenty of authentic friendships require some level of patience. I don't mean to imply otherwise. Maybe there is a bizarro version of Leonard in the world that would suit you, even if he did talk too much or lack social skills.

Now, because social norms don't include drawing boundaries and saying “no,” we are going to have to get creative in coming up with an appropriate solution. You obviously can't just stay out of Leonard's way, so you are going to have to put your foot down at some point. It will be uncomfortable. It won't feel "right," but I believe it is the best, most honest approach. And my guess is you will have to do it more than once before he understands and starts to adhere. Try being kind and firm. At work try something like, "Hey Leonard. I really appreciate that you are so enthusiastic and knowledgeable about the things you love. I like to talk about the things I love, too. But, I'm afraid that maybe we don't love the same things and I find our conversations at work very distracting. Do you think we could keep the conversations to a minimum?" After work and on weekends, you might need to be a little harsher. Try, "Hey Leonard, I really appreciate that you want to be part of our group, but I have to be honest with you. I try to be honest with everyone so that our interactions are authentic. When you're around, I feel like I end up listening to you for most of the evening instead of interacting with the group. Again, I love your enthusiasm, but I feel like you take over our conversations and it's not a give and take. Maybe someone with more similar interests would be a better fit."

My hope is that Leonard does, in fact, find someone who is a good fit for him. He might get his feelings hurt in the process. And guess what. THAT'S OK. We are taught to protect other people's feelings at all costs. Well one of those costs shouldn't be honesty. Being dishonest is UNKIND. He will probably feel the sting of your rejection, but your honesty might push him to find a real friend. Maybe it will push him to be a better listener. Who knows. It is not your job to follow that story to the end of the line. You have your own story to care for and it will be all the better if you are honest. You will be more you. And what's better than that?

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.