Dear Martha: setting boundaries

by MARTHA

Dear Martha,

A few weeks ago my friends and I went on our senior trip after graduating high school. We drove to Las Vegas; it was possibly the most fun I've ever had in my life. We started planning and saving up for the trip since last Fall. We can't gamble or drink, which is fine, but I was excited to have a couple fancy meals and go to one of the big shows. I knew it would be expensive, but I probably won't be able to do something like this in college so I wanted to go big.

My best friend since kindergarten, Spence, was there. We found out when we stopped for lunch in St. George that he hadn't been saving up at all. It was like he didn't even know how much things would cost. We went to a restaurant and he made a weird noise when he looked at the menu. The rest of us ordered, but he just sat there and didn't order anything. He said it was too expensive, even though it was a cheap restaurant. He said he was fine, but it was weird the way he was just sitting there watching us eat so I offered to pay for his food. This kept happening the whole trip! The rest of the group would be ready to go to a restaurant, or a show, or the wax museum, and he'd say he couldn't afford it and would just stay behind. I felt like I had to choose between doing the things I'd planned or hanging out with my best friend.

Anyway, I ended up paying for pretty much his whole trip. He did buy a t-shirt with his own money. Now, my credit card is maxed, I had to spend every dollar I'd saved, and I didn't get to order the steak I wanted since I was paying for two. He insisted he would pay me back, but it's been almost two months. I've reminded him a few times and he just ignores me. He works at a snow cone shack and only has a couple shifts a week, so I don't even know how he'd pay me back. But, I really need the money! My parents want to call his parents, but that makes me feel like a weenie. I don't know what to do!

From,

Empty Pockets

Dear Empty Pockets,

That better be a nice t-shirt. Seriously, Spence?! I can feel my teenage blood boil as my tiger's blood snow cone drips down my chin. Hey, we should go to Sconecutter after this. Jenny has her step-brother's Trooper tonight, so I bet she'll drive us. The sound system is killer!

Oh! Sorry, your letter transported me back to my youth. It's easy for me to put myself in your shoes. I would be the first to offer to pay for Spence's lunch. And in my younger days, I would keep paying for Spence's lunch until my bank account was empty and my heart was full. Full of resentment for my best friend. Being generous and unable to say “no” are two different things. You might have started in a place of generosity and willingness to help, but it set you down a path that required you to set boundaries, and you didn't. Which is understandable! Drawing boundaries and gracefully saying “no” are two of the hardest things to learn, even for seasoned adults.

You're not going to get your money back. Spence doesn't have the means or maturity to repay you. I know that's a tough pill to swallow. This was an expensive lesson to learn. I wouldn't have your parents call his parents, either. That is the sort of thing that can kill a friendship. Spence might be less mature than you, but you also don't want to lose your best friend over this. Ask your parents to help you create a plan to pay off your credit card. I bet if you are proactive and take responsibility, your parents will want to help. You need to find a way to let this go and think of it as a learning experience. It will be hard to do, I know. I'm mad for you. I want to turn Spence's pockets inside out and break open his piggy bank. What he did is inexcusable. Not okay. But you made a mistake. You simply shouldn't have kept swiping your card on his behalf. Once it became apparent that he didn't have the money for the trip, you should have brought it up with the group and figured out what to do. You should have said something to the effect of, “Spence, I would love to pay for your lunch today, buddy, but I can't keep paying for you the whole trip. We have to figure something out.” Maybe your friends could have all pitched in. Maybe Spence could have called his parents and asked for help.

The consequences of your mistake are now becoming apparent. You have a credit card bill you can't pay, what I'm guessing was an uncomfortable conversation with your parents, a boat load of resentment for your best friend, and a dynamic where you always say “yes.” Spence now knows how much he can take from you and it's going to make saying “no” even harder in the future. But, you must. If you say “no” when you need to, you will have better friendships and the opportunity to actually be generous—on your terms.

Anyway, we better get going. Jenny's step-brother is going to be so ticked-off if we don't get the Trooper back soon. Smell ya later, losers.

Yours respectfully,

Martha

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