Dear Martha: the myth of summer
by MARTHA
Dear Martha,
Summer is here! Most people are pretty happy about it, but not me. I'm a 28 year-old single man and summertime stresses me out. When I was a kid on summer break from school, I'd always have big dreams of adventure or summer romance. But, I ended up spending my free time sleeping in and watching reruns on cable. Before I knew it, it was time to go back to school.
Now, I'm a "grown-up." I see pictures of my friends swimming in watering holes, groups of cyclists cruising down the street and laughing together, snapchats of friends singing along to the radio on an epic road trip, and I worry that I'm missing out on quintessential experiences. Even when I am having fun I think I'm not having enough fun, or that I should be doing something else instead. I just want to be carefree and stare at the clouds, but for some reason I can't. Every summer I watch my life slip away in real time. What can I do? I've searched the internet for advice, but all I find is stuff about how to make friends or summer activities in Utah and nothing about getting out of my own head.
- Summer Bummer
Dear Summer Bummer,
There is a sure-fire way to not miss out: join in. When you see pictures of your friends swimming or road tripping, let them know you want to go next time. Or plan a trip of your own and invite them along.
Which you would do. If you weren't being hindered by anxiety.
In my experience, giving something a name can be transformative. When you look at the fear of missing out, or pay attention to the feeling of your life slipping away, tell yourself that these feelings are anxiety. Look your anxiety in the eye and say, "Hello! Nice to finally meet you face to face. My name is Mr. Bummer. I think we have some things to sort out."
Anxiety is a trickster, unfortunately. Sometimes you can call bullshit (pardon) on its antics and end up the star of your friend's snapchat. Sometimes it wins, and you watch re-runs on cable. Navigating your life in such uncertainty is difficult. Fortunately, there are a lot of ways to get some help with dealing. You can reach out to family and friends and tell them about your struggle. Chances are many of them have had similar experiences. You can read books about anxiety, research it on the internet, or listen to relevant podcasts. The more you understand it and accept it, the easier it will be to deal with. If it is too difficult to go at it alone, find a therapist. I am a huge proponent of therapy and taking mental health seriously. You go to the doctor and the dentist. You should go to someone who can help you get mentally healthy.
Your letter also illustrates the glorified myth of summer. As adults, especially in a state as lovely as Utah, we feel pressure to camp, hike, fish, swim, kayak, canoe, SUP, boat, and waterski and and and.... But, summer is just a season. We still have to wake up early and go to work. We still have to do chores and run errands. We have the same amount of free time (except those of us who are teachers, brave souls). Temper your desire for fun with the knowledge that you can adventure any time of the year. Spring and fall are perfect for exploring the desert. Winter has its own set of sports. Next, decide what you actually love to do. I love camping, but have no desire to waterski. I also enjoy sleeping in and watching TV. Let your real preferences dictate what you do, rather than what you think you should be doing. Maybe then some of the pressure you feel to have fun will lift and your anxiety will sit out a few innings.
Your question isn't really about friends or summer activities. It is about you. The best thing you can do for yourself is get to know you. Who is Mr. Bummer? Does he prefer alone time? Maybe he would love fly fishing! Or knitting! Or French cinema! What eases his anxiety? Is he more comfortable in large groups or with a few select friends? Maybe he’s trying to tell you. Maybe he wants to buy tickets to that outdoor music festival. Ask him. I bet he's more fun than you think.
Yours respectfully,
Martha
If you have a question you'd like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha