Dear Martha: it's a question of honesty

by MARTHA

Dear Martha,

I am a thirty-year-old woman and I am a very honest person. Even “white lies” upset me. I never cheated on tests in college, I take back correct change if I’ve been given too much, and I don’t take anything from work for my personal use, not even paperclips. My honesty is a big part of my identity. I was taught to be honest from my parents, in Sunday School, and at Family Home Evening. The problem is, I’m not sure I believe the stuff I was taught in church anymore. I think the main reason I was being honest was so God would love me. Maybe I’m not as honest as I thought I was. But, if I’m not honest, who am I? How do I reconcile all of this? If I decide God doesn’t care about the paperclips from work, how do I know what he does care about?

I’m not sure who else to ask. Can you help?

Honest in Herriman

Dear Honest,

,There is so much in your letter that I relate to. If you're anything like me, you don't know how to be anything but honest. My heart tends to be on my sleeve; I can't exactly hide how I'm feeling. (Blush much?) I’ve lived my life as if honesty was a part of everyone, to some degree. My world-view was shaped around the idea that most people are trying to do the right thing, which isn’t always the case.

A lot of us learn the hard way that true honesty is rare. Dishonesty is often linked to denial, insecurity, or other coping mechanisms to deal with an unhealthy inner life. It is often linked to the willful suspension of disbelief or blind faith. I believe your questions about your religion, in fact, make you more honest. Now, you must have the courage to follow those questions to their answers. 

Only then can your faith be honest. If you find answers that don't align with your church, which sounds like your current situation, you have to decide for yourself what you believe. Your honesty will lead you there. Set aside the faith you have in your church for this journey, and put that faith in yourself. This is the hardest, truest honesty.

God (if that's who or what you believe in) doesn't keep score. A score would be an inaccurate way of doling out judgment. We are all good and bad. No matter how many mistakes we make, we can always improve. Living your life thinking that everything you do and say is counted and recorded sounds unendingly oppressive!  As my aunt would say, throw away your measuring stick! You cannot measure, quantify, or compartmentalize life experiences in such a concrete way.

Now here's my version of brutal honesty: If the only reason you are being honest is to earn someone else's love —even God's— you need to unlearn that.  I'm going to assume that your religion taught you that God loves everyone. I'm going to also assume that your religion taught you that you can get to where you want to go in the afterlife through faith and works. I can see how these two concepts get jumbled, creating the if-then scenario that you describe. If I am honest, then God will love me. If I don't steal even a SINGLE paperclip, then I can prove to God that I am worthy.  NO. WRONG. Your God loves you. He loves people that steal paperclips, and he loves people that do much worse. There is only one person that can provide the validation you need: YOU.

When you dispose of your measuring sticks, and paperclips, and equations, you might be surprised by what's left.  Sometimes we can’t help but wonder, "Why do I try so hard to be good when it doesn't get me anywhere? The bad people of this world can get whatever they want!" The answer is, "You just do." You just DO, Honest in Herriman.  You are not good just to get a future reward. You are not good because you want to be worthy of someone's love. You are good because you are good. Because you know no other way to try to be. Because any other option feels impossible. Because you feel goodness in your heart. Because when you talk to your God, he sees your heart, not your report card.

And your heart can't lie.

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you'd like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.