I Was the Other Woman
Growing up in a conservative religious home, I loved when my mom and dad went out on Saturday night. That meant a babysitter was coming, and we children would be able to watch two of our favorite forbidden shows. The Love Boat and Fantasy Island were THE siren songs of prime time smut and innuendo, and their call proved much more powerful than any of my parent’s rules. It was through these late 70’s classics that I got my first glimpse into the “other woman.”
She was many things, portrayed by many different actresses, and I learned how to spot her: she was conniving, sexually forward and without remorse. She could be found in dark, smoky bars and lounges wearing tight lycra pantsuits, big hair, and lots of cleavage. She flirted shamelessly while holding a martini glass in one hand and a simmering Virginia Slims cigarette in the other. But my biggest takeaway was that she couldn’t get or keep a man unless it was yours. She was the absolute worst, you couldn’t trust her around your husband, and faithful women everywhere would be glad not to know her.
Well, guess what? It’s 2021, and the other woman you know now isn’t so easily spotted. She can be your wife, your sister, your mother, and your friend. She could be your neighbor, your ward member, your daughter, or your granddaughter. She is just like you. She might BE you. In fact? She was me. I was the other woman for years, and with several different men.
I was married to a man I dearly loved and who took care of me, yet I was not faithful to him. For years I didn’t quite understand why I would cheat on someone I loved, wondering if I was either part sociopath or sex-addict (although ½ the time sex wasn’t even good) or both. Over time, I eventually concluded that I was just born a bad person, dubbed myself “morally grey”, and leaned into the part.
After our divorce and a million hours of counseling, I discovered the truth: I was not born a bad person. I was lonely and insecure, and mourning the loss of a deep connection I no longer shared with my then husband. I lived in complete denial of this loss. Earlier in our marriage that denial (kind of) worked. But eventually I started seeking what I lacked in the arms of another man. And then another. And yet another. I rationalized the behavior by telling myself that this was the only way I could stay in a marriage I desperately wanted while still getting what I thought my soul needed to survive. Younger Mindi never thought in a million years that when she watched and hated 90210’s Kelly for cheating with Dylan and becoming the other woman that she was seeing into her future: Your best friend sleeps with your guy.
Based upon my experience, no potential other woman suddenly wakes up one morning and says, “Today I think I’m gonna go wreck some homes!” This is not how it works. It happens gradually, oh so gradually, over time. Soon you realize that all of your tiny baby steps have collectively turned into one massive giant step that you can’t come back from. Side note: I would like to point out that there is never, ever an “other man.” We are a society who protects men and, whether it’s fair or not, it’s how it’s always been.
Still think this can’t happen to you? Think again! Statistics show that people who cheat have been married for 20 to 30 years and are between the age of 50 and 60. Also, 14% of couples under the age of 55 reported adultery in their marriage. We live in an age where communication is available to us 24/7/365. There has never been a time in the history of the world when it’s been easier to cheat than today.
In my fave ever TED talk ,“Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong”, Johan Hari informs his audience that “The opposite of addiction is connection. Human beings have a natural and innate need to bond, and when we’re happy and healthy, we’ll bond and connect with each other, but if you can’t do that, because you’re traumatized or isolated or beaten down by life, you will bond with something that will give you some sense of relief. Now that might be gambling, that might be pornography, that might be cocaine, that might be cannabis, but you will bond and connect with something because that’s our nature.”
With my “colorful” life experience, I believe that cheating can very much present as addiction. People who cheat are generally looking for something they are missing, but I guarantee you that many times it’s not just sex. I also believe that most humans in general would be happier if their partner worked as hard at connecting on every level as they did at having sex. However, it is my biggest belief that intimate connection in other forms is MORE important than sex.
As a former other woman, the best advice I can offer to married and committed couples is to avoid becoming a member of this shitty club at all cost—work on intimately connecting with your partner in forms other than sex every single day. It is the best defense, disguised as offense, that you will have in your tool box.