Healthy and Unhealthy Viewing of Porn
by JILL COLBY
This article is a big topic. You may have read the title and you may already be skeptical about “healthy” viewing of porn. The first thing we will talk about is keeping your kids safe and recommendations on how to do so. Then we will touch on unhealthy and healthy porn viewing for adults.
Effects of Early Exposure to P/orn
Early exposure to porn is never a good thing. Should a child or teen stumble upon porn, they should under no circumstances be shamed. Bluntly put, internet safety falls to parents and teachers. Porn exposure is completely preventable with supervision and the right hardware and software. Sex education should never come from porn. Due to the recent pandemic, more kids are at home learning online. The downside to this is more exposure to porn. Some studies show that the average age to porn exposure is 11 years old. Even more frightening, these studies indicate that 22% of porn is viewed by kids younger than 18 years old, a statistic that is difficult to swallow.
Not only does early exposure to porn increase younger and high-risk sex, Psychology Today states, “early exposure (by age 14) to pornography and other explicit material may increase the risk of a child becoming a victim of sexual violence or acting out sexually against another child. For some people, habitual use of pornography may prompt a desire for more violent or deviant material, including depictions of rape, torture or humiliation. If people seek to act out what they see, they may be more likely to commit sexual assault, rape or child molestation.” Imagine your child being exposed to BDSM-genre porn before they have had even one healthy conversation about sex with an adult? If that is the first thing they see and hear in regards to sex, their perceptions of what is expected of them can be warped. Puberty is already confusing; navigating the world of sexual identity and sexuality requires continual communication, honest and open dialogue, and demands parental figures buck up and have those uncomfortable conversations.
Prevent early exposure to porn
In mainstream porn, glorification of power over women and misportrayals of a woman’s arousal response system are common-place. Children’s developing minds do not yet have the skills for emotional regulation, make informed decisions, and have yet to interpert the complexities of sex. Before an individual can make healthy choices regarding porn, they need to have thorough, factual sex education, whether that is through reading materials, listening to podcasts, or having a conversation with their parents. Bonus points if they have stellar models for healthy relationships as well!
Wondering how to keep your teens and children safe? Start with MeetCircle. MeetCircle is physical hardware that you install, which makes bypassing its filters just about impossible! This doesn’t mean that screen time should be unmonitored though. Some perks to MeetCircle are:
Set limits to how and when your kids connect to their devices
Review your families online time, site visits, app usage and current location
Turn the internet off during homework and at bedtimes
Works for any and all devices
Approve and deny sites from your device
Affordable price
Set the stringency of content filters down to the content, site URLs, and apps all per person
You trust your kids, but you should never trust the internet. If your kids can push buttons, even at age two, you may consider getting MeetCircle. All it takes is typing in some gibberish into the Google search bar for porn and online predators to pop up. Not good!
Porn Viewing as an Adult
Adult viewing of porn is a different ball game. Hopefully, at this point, the individual has learned enough about sex that they can differentiate between reality and fantasy, what’s real and what is faked for the audience. They understand how the human body works and can honor it by caring for it; eating healthy, exercising, and playfully engaging in healthy sexual behaviors. Emphasizing consent, clearly communicating one’s needs, wants and desires, and mutual respect are the best ways to keep your life in order. In an ideal world, porn should come second to human connection. If you are in a real relationship, porn should never get in the way of your mental health, time with loved ones,an active, robust sex life with your partner(s), exercise, eating healthy, and hobbies. Like anything in excess, porn becomes unhealthy when your job, relationship, or overall health start to suffer.
An unhealthy porn addiction may start when you disconnect from your partner(s), start to judge your body, your partner(s)’s body, develop steep expectations, or turn to porn rather than physical intimacy. The richness of human connection and sexual exploration has infinite possibilities. The excitement of transcendental ecstasy with your partner(s) can provide years of bliss that porn will always fall short to. If you are single, the choice to watch porn is yours alone. In a relationship, the choice of whether to watch or not, has to be made with your partner(s). Boundaries of how often, when, and what content is acceptable needs to be clearly defined and adhered to. Some couples use porn as a tool to enhance their sexual experience with each other just as they would use any other sexual enhancements: vibrators, oils, candles, etc. Being turned on by erotic pictures, video, and sounds is natural and normall. Try seeing it as a gift if your partner(s) trusts you enough to express a desire for exploration. Some tips for choosing porn:
Choose porn that is ethically sourced
Only watch age appropriate sex
Practice on-going communication with your partner(s)
Take time to truly understand what turns the other on
Educate yourselves through literature and podcasts first
Write out the agreed upon “rules” to watching porn
Avoid most free porn sites and internet surfing - even as an adult you don’t want to stumble across something that you wish you could unsee it
You may be asking yourself, what in the world is ethically-sourced porn? Well, according to Mind Body Green Relationships, “Ethical porn (sometimes called feminist porn or fair trade porn) is pornography that is made consensually, treats performers with respect, and pays performers and filmmakers fairly for their work. There is a mutual understanding among everyone on the film set—everyone knows and feels comfortable with what's happening...Ethical porn validates the needs, boundaries, and curiosities of the performers... It also often shows more realistic depictions of sex, including people with diverse body types, queer relationships, and real female pleasure. One in four people who visit porn websites are women. Ethical porn attempts to cater to just that, offering scenes that aren't solely centered around and for the cismale gaze. Ethical porn is inclusive, creative, and consensual." This same source also provides a list of ethically-verified sites. Use your own discretion when visiting any adults-only websites.
In short, keep your kids safe. Prevent early exposure to porn and begin having healthy, age-appropriate dialogue regarding sexuality with your children. And as an adult, make informed choices. Be honest and open with your partner(s) and remember that erotica isn’t something that needs to be shameful. Education, communication, and mutual respect make all the difference in being able to develop healthy habits with yourself and your partner(s).