From Original Sin to Psychedelic Guide
Was there ever a more bi-polar year than 2020? Was I ever more bipolar? Let’s hope not and not ever again. And yet, surviving the lowest of lows, I have to be grateful for the path that all the chaos cleared for me because on 3/1/21, I begin a journey with SCPTR (Salt City Psychedelic Therapy & Research) to become a psychedelic guide.
The scarcity into which my ancestors brought me made me a constant manifester. Born with original sin as a Catholic, I inherently wasn’t worthy, BUT absolution for my inevitable bad deeds was always available with just a confession and the penance of Hail Mary and Our Father prayers. I was destined for a bipolar life which included alcohol at a very early age. I was and still am an occasionally-highly functioning alcoholic. In Denver, I worked with literacy and GED programs for addicts and offenders, and perhaps I considered this part of my penance. Goal-setting and crafting intentions was especially helpful both for my students and in my career. Beginning as a volunteer tutor and over a span of 12 years, I directed multiple adult education organizations for those in need. Through varied career development and personal enrichment, I also stumbled into tarot which has been a core guide to cures, dreams, actions, and outcomes, both for me and others. My life transformed when I began to apply intentions on myself for love and then met my now-husband who convinced me to re-invent myself in Utah.
As I turned 50 a few years ago, I reconciled the agony and the ecstasy; I’ve been incredibly lucky with a lifetime of risky behavior, ecstatic indulgences, glorious fun, and more and more frequently bliss. Marijuana rather than alcohol was yielding better outcomes, and suddenly I realized that despite (cue Rolling Stones) not always getting what I want, I had managed always to get what I need, and that (now Talking Heads) this IS my beautiful life, same as it ever was.
So 01/01/2020 was one of my more hopeful New Year’s Days, but by 02/02/2020, COVID was starting to get me worried, and then after earthquakes, George Floyd’s murder, inland hurricanes, the possibility of that president who-shall-not-be-named winning re-election, I went back to drinking … a lot. Original sin returned with survivor’s guilt. Why was I still employed, still married, and still healthy (for now), and I couldn’t bear my ridiculous white fragility.
I accepted my dear friend’s offer to try magic mushrooms, and the first time was equivalent to years of penance. The truly stunning epiphany was that I actually didn’t need to confess. I was so loved, and I always have been – same as it ever was. These ancestors, despite their scarcity and unworthiness mindsets, were so well-meaning and set me up with charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent. Although there are men who I have feared (with good reason), I’ve actually had many love me so well, especially my husband. And the friends! The un-ending line of fun and fabulous friends – I’ve been almost unbearably lucky. With alcohol and marijuana I have felt great love and ecstasy before, but the difference with mushrooms was that I retained the bliss afterwards with no side effects other than a little fatigue – like the satisfying worn-out feeling after a good work out. I still have access to the bliss of that moment to this very day, and I have confidence that I can always tap back into it for as long as I will remember it.
I’ve had several mushroom trips since with loved ones, and in (cue R.E.M.) losing my religion, I have found a new one and that “Oh life is bigger, it’s bigger than you…” In psilocybin mushrooms, I feel a love for myself and every other living creature and also a connection and empathy like no other. All of this better equips me for both the small and huge challenges and rewards of this unbelievable new decade. I have found a new church in The Divine Assembly (thedivineassembly.org) which supports my safe and sincere practice with psychedelic sacraments. Rather than penance for absolution of my original and inevitable sin, I am manifesting a sober, happy, healthy, wealthy, and wise life.
I relish that my religion, spiritual practice, and guide training will challenge the pre-conceived notions of what it means to be a Utahn, and I am thrilled to discover and craft my role in the revolution. If it can happen in Utah, it can happen anywhere – right? Gay marriage, medical marijuana, and now psychedelics. Utah’s example will inspire a world aching for connection, empathy, hope, possibility, and the power to make dreams real.
Through The Divine Assembly community, I have connected with the SCPTR training so that I can be a sincere and safe manifestation guide with the magnificent psychedelic sacraments. While I’m not exactly clear on the destination (what is a manifestation guide, will it be a full-time job, will I have any clients other than myself?), I know that this spiritual and religious practice will continue to yield a life of love, connection, empathy – same as it ever was. I look forward to reporting back to The Utah Bee on my evolution and revolution and bliss.