First Trip

Written by: BLUE BIRD

Taking a heroic dose of mushrooms in the desert will be pretty chill, right?

Wrong.

My brief experience with mind-altering substances included getting high or drunk with friends. I had no prior knowledge of psychedelics, but when I was told that I could have a beautiful healing experience with just a couple of grams of mushrooms, I was interested.

So, off I went, into the desert, not knowing what I was getting myself into. Luckily, I was doing it with a very safe person who knew how to prepare. She brought beautiful music, warm blankets, and a dog for comfort. I didn’t know how much I would need those things.

Before I ingested the mushrooms, we talked about my intention. Intention? I wasn’t prepared for that. I decided my intention was to explore and experience. She reminded me that some difficult things might “come up”, and if they did, then it is best to just let them be there and to surrender to the experience. I wasn’t sure what it meant to surrender, but figured I would try. I ate the mushrooms and waited to feel something, anything. I decided to lay down and close my eyes.

Before I knew it, I was transported into a realm of kaleidoscopic shapes and colors. Everything I looked at became geometric. I was amazed when I stared at the cliffs and they became covered with cartoonish geometric cats. I was entranced by the shapes and patterns. I felt my face and it was terribly wet. Was I crying? Why was I crying? I couldn’t tell.

I closed my eyes and slipped deep into consciousness. Scary images kept popping up into my perception. “Go away”, I thought. “This is creepy. I want the cats back.” I remembered the advice to surrender and decided to allow the images to stay. That’s when the absolute beauty occured. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Heaving breaths of pain released through my body. In the strange way that psychedelics disassociate you from your body, I couldn’t feel myself crying. It wasn’t painful, and I didn’t know what I was crying about. I just knew that my body was purging through tears. I let the dam of sobs burst out of my body. I remembered to breathe. The music was calming, the blankets held me tight, and the dog laid with me as I let go of years of pain. After the pain came the clarity. Clarity of what? I’m still not sure. Truth? Awakening? Unfathomable universal knowledge? It has led me on a path of curiosity and wonder as I try to put together the pieces of the lessons that I learned on my journey.

And suddenly, it was over. My perception of time tricked me into thinking that all of this happened in minutes, when in reality, it was hours. It left me with more questions than answers, a sense of hope in healing, and complete curiosity about the experience. Although my first psychedelic journey was anything but chill, it taught me more about myself than I possibly could have imagined.