Female Friendship As The Antidote To Sexual Shame
Growing up and spending my high school years in a very small, very Mormon town in rural Utah was bound to impact my adult life -- how could it not?
As I have gone through therapy, grown up, and evaluated why I am the way I am, I realized I grew up in a way that never allowed me to sexually mature (or develop at all.) Just look at Utah’s sex education or, more importantly, lack thereof.
Coming from one of the only non-religious families in the town made me an outcast. I didn’t fit in because I wasn’t Mormon and a lot was happening that didn’t make sense to me at the time, but does now.
First, slut-shaming was rampant, especially for the outcasts. But while the slut shaming never ended, being wanted by every man was also a requirement for being treated kindly. This way of thinking caused so much confusion for me. It instilled this way of living in me that the only thing that gave me value was what I looked like and how I presented to men (well, in this case high school boys).
There I was, a teenage girl who only cared about what I looked like, deeply self-conscious, but also afraid to develop into a sexual being. Oh, and because everyone around me was also so concerned about looks and impressing men, I had no true girl friends because they were all “competition”.
Now, if that’s not a way for the patriarchy to persist, I don’t know what is.
With that mentality, you can forget about me ever learning to prioritize my own sexual pleasure or even learn about my own sexuality outside of what it meant for the partners I engaged with.
Being one of the only non-LDS girls in my school also drew the eye of the LDS boys, because while they couldn’t be overtly sexual towards girls within their circle, they could be to me. This dynamic led to intense shame, because in private I felt desired (now, this is not a feeling I chase,) but in public they would shame me in front of their “in-group.”
Now that you have the history, how did I move past this? Well there was plenty of therapy, but most importantly I made female friends. I could write for days about the importance of female friendship and support (maybe soon I will), but it changed the way I thought about myself because I finally learned to separate my self worth from how men felt about me.
And from those same friends I learned that female pleasure exists and is worth working for and understanding, no matter if it’s alone or with a partner. Most importantly, my pleasure or desire for pleasure is not shameful.
Along the way I also learned that there are so many things other than how I visually present to the world that bring me value, and at the end of the day I choose what brings my value and the things I value about myself.
These lessons I learned are so important, but my biggest regret is that I didn’t learn them sooner. I didn’t take advantage of the incredible female friendships I could have developed along my journey because I learned of their importance way too late.
So I write this to encourage you to support other women, to raise daughters who understand how to prioritize themselves and their sexual development and let children learn of the value of friendship, not just potential romantic relationships. And please, give your children a more comprehensive sex education than is provided in Utah’s public schools.