Are You in a Sexual Rut?
Sexual ruts happen to all of us. It’s easy to let sex within our comfort zone become a habitual pattern. When one thing works, why worry about doing anything else? We know exactly when and how we want things done. Trying anything outside of what works may feel scary and may feel unsatisfying at times. But what happens if/when we become bored and tired of the same technique? We end up in a rut, just as we would get tired of doing the same job or eating the same food everyday. Maybe it isn’t you that’s just not feeling all that excited anymore. Sexual ruts happen with our partners too. Maybe what used to turn them on doesn’t seem to be doing the trick anymore. Don’t fret, it just may mean it is time to go on an erotica journey of exploration.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle
Communicate
Big indicators for needing to switch things up are if you’re having sex night the same night every week and are becoming board of it, or if you feel like you have to have something in order to get off. Sticking to a few different positions and to the same routine with your partner is actually a normal habit for people to get into. Maybe at one point you tried something different, it turned out to be a disaster, and you decided to never try new things again. It happens to the best of us.
Fear of change and new things is normal. Playful exploration with a partner is a fun place to be and it can keep sex satisfying for lifetimes. Push through those awkward moments! Learning all there is to know about sex and learning new and varied techniques can take multiple life times. Through clear, honest communication and mutual respect, adjusting and tweaking new sexual techniques until they’ve hit that magical spot is an important habit to start. Sex may be natural, but it is still a learned behavior and takes practice. Why not buddy up with your bedmate and study up with someone you can trust?
When communicating with your partner/s use I statements with touches of compliments like, “I really enjoyed this___, though I am still working on getting more comfortable with_____; but I am excited to explore more of ____. By the way, you were amazing at____, and I can’t wait to do that again! I couldn’t get enough.” You can also start a conversation off by saying “I was nervous about trying____ and I felt a little out of place with____, but I think if we start with ____ I could work up to trying _____.” Let how you communicate be the building blocks for exploration.
Switch it up
The best part about all of this? YOU get to create the sexual life you want to have. If you are always waiting around until you’re horny enough for sex, you are going to be missing out on plenty of opportunities. Remember, you create sexual energy (the feeling of being horny) through initiation. So create and channel your sexual energy to break out of sexual ruts. Switch up when you have sex. If it’s Tuesday night, but sex night isn’t until Friday, create the atmosphere to get ready to mingle on Tuesday anyways. So come Tuesday night, send the kids off to an activity, and start by telling your partner that you have been thinking about them all day. You appreciate them. Tell them there is nowhere you’d rather be than with them. Later, you invite your partner to make dinner with you. Together, you are swept away by different aromas, you touch each other in passing, you have new drinks, and maybe you bring up the fact that you bought nipple clamps earlier that day and would like to try them later for the first time. If they are into it, you talk about what playing with this exciting new toy looks like for you . . . and take it from there, totally off books.
Keep in mind, penciling in sex with your partner can be the switch up for some couples! Scheduling sex gives some couples something exciting to look forward to and the anticipation of date night can be highly arousing. Think about what you can do to switch things up and ask your partner(s) too!
Explore
Sexual ruts may be a little harder to climb out of for some. Switching when and how may not be enough. Really diving in and figuring out who you are and who your partner is can take work. Question everything that you ever learned about sex. Maybe the root of the rut is historic advice that doesn't apply to you or it was an archaic book that was never true in the first place. Be willing to adapt.
Everyone is different -- from their anatomy, to their love language; and yes, to their sex language. “Dirty talk” can work for some while others find it unarousing. If you are trying to turn yourself or your partner on and it doesn’t seem to be working, the best thing you can do is learn more about yourself and each other. One resource is taking the Erotic Blue Print Quiz. The quiz can help you discover your own erotic map and also learn how to connect deeper with your partner and work with their erotic map. Exploration is stepping into the unknown with new toys, intimate conversations, discovering new places and techniques, and remodeling your mindset. As Jaiya says, “healthy sex life starts with other erotic explorers.”
Adventure awaits!