Dear Martha: politics or pie?

by MARTHA

This Dear Martha advice was originally published on July 4, 2018. The message might be applicable to some this week. 

Dear Martha

I have family on all sides of the political spectrum. And, with the state of affairs our country is in at the moment, everyone is a bit “passionate” about their view being the right view. How do I manage this during our yearly summer festivities? I don’t want to miss out on the parades and pie, but I also get really frustrated at the backwards thinking of my brothers and their wives.

Family Tied

Dear Family Tied,

I admire your desire to spend time with your family, despite your differences. Never talk religion or politics, right? I don't understand this phrase, perhaps because we live in a time when our political choices feel like moral choices and our religious choices can feel like political ones. I can't separate myself from my political beliefs because they are tied to fundamental parts of my personality.

However.  Talking religion and politics is sharing a part of yourself. But, you don't have to share every part of yourself to everyone all the time. Imagine having to deal with a difficult coworker. Maybe this coworker is bossy, abrasive, and loves to ask personal questions. Maybe they pass judgment on everyone around them and never stop to examine their own behavior. Maybe they just chew really loud. Whatever the case may be, how would you cope? My strategy would be to smile and keep the peace, while also not telling them anything about my personal life. And invest in some good headphones.

Going to family events isn't exactly the same as having an awful coworker, of course, because you have a choice whether to attend. You don't get to pick who is in the cubicle next to you, but HEY you don't get to pick who is in your family either. I get the wanting to attend.  There are things you value in these festivities that you don't want to miss. But, it’s also not the platform to change someone’s mind or pick apart policies.

You are going to have to pull out all of your schmoozing and socializing skills and get them ready for action. Your brother's wife says something about the President, just telling it like it is? You laugh and redirect. Your brother finds a way to keep talking about the upcoming election? Oh, I think my phone might be ringing! Better check. The person next to you is chewing too loud? Put on some headphones. Oh wait, scratch that last one.

Some might call this dishonest. I call it protective. Again, you are not obligated to share every part of yourself with anyone, even if they are family. You can save that for people who have earned it. So, we have come full circle. I can't believe I'm saying this (never say never!), but don't talk politics and religion— with THESE people. Politics or pie? This time choose pie.

One more thing, you can always choose not to go. Sometimes engaging and putting up your protective shield can be emotionally exhausting. Maybe you go once and it's actually fun. Maybe you go and leave wanting to yell, and scream, and break a few dishes. Then you can decline going to the next event. But, I have faith in you and I think it's worth a shot.

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.