Dear Martha: axe throwing

by MARTHA

Dear Martha:

For starters, this is not about my masculinity. I am secure in that department. I just don’t like my girlfriend throwing axes.

I used to go down to the axe-throwing gym with the guys. One day, Charlie wanted to come, and I agreed. We had a great time. Charlie had a really great time. She loved everything about it: the competition, the hint of violence, the men swearing and sweating, the smell (not a typo).

Now, I can’t keep her away. I know what you’re going to say—why would I want to? Why not enjoy this new hobby together? Well, I don’t like all the men eyeing her, and even flirting with her. I worry that she’ll have an accident. And, to be honest, it’s a sport that seems like I should be better at than she is, but we’re really about equal.

Don’t try to psychoanalyze me, Martha, by saying what I know you’re thinking. Just give me some advice.

Sincerely,

Jaxon

Dear Jaxon,

LOL, you came to the wrong Martha if you don’t want to be psychoanalyzed. And what is it that you know I’m thinking, pray tell?

It seems to me, you are asking me to tell you what you don’t want to hear because you can’t seem to tell it to yourself. Also, for future reference, Jaxon, when someone says, “This is not about x, y, or z,” or “I am not this way,” it’s a good indicator that the exact opposite is true. For example, this is about your masculinity.

Why don’t you like men eyeing her or flirting with her in this setting? Do you feel insecure about her fidelity? Do you feel ownership over her? Do you want to have more control over who she interacts with? These are real problems. It is not up to you. It is up to her. Trust that allows freedom to move in the world as an individual is intrinsic in a healthy relationship is You are not giving Charlie that trust, and it is affecting her freedom. That is unfair.

She likes axe-throwing for the very same reasons you do. You’re worried that she’ll have an accident? This concern shows me you think of yourself as her protector. You aren’t. Well, let me qualify that. You are only her protector in the sense that you want to look out for the ones you love. There is a difference between wanting to hold her back from participating in a hobby that you yourself participate in and wanting her to be safe while doing it.

There is not equality in this relationship. If you are committed to Charlie, you will level the playing field now, before it’s too late. You are not her owner, protector, or manager. You are her partner.

You knew these things before you wrote me. If you wanted a different answer, you would have asked someone else—evidence that you are probably capable and ready to change. Change is not easy, though. So, give yourself and Charlie the safe space to grow, fail, and get back up again, until the relationship you both want is safe and secure.

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.