Dear Martha: mean girls

by MARTHA

Dear Martha,

Volunteering my time where I can is important to me. Over the years, I have served at schools, arts organizations, a homeless shelter, church, and even on the board at the local college where I live.

I am energized to help women where I can. Coincidentally, a board that works to empower women asked me to serve on their board. I joined this board 14 months ago and I have enjoyed my service. My experience on non-profits boards is just what they need, and I am excited to give to a cause that is important to me.

Four months ago, the current board chair asked me to step up and succeed her as the next chairperson. After considering the position, I agreed and adjusted my life to take on this position. As the board meeting drew closer to the change, the current chair stopped taking my calls.

At the board meeting, the current chairperson announced that she asked someone else to serve as the new chair. I was dumbfounded. She did not talk to me before the meeting and I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t want to make a scene; I hate being part of the drama that women are stereotyped to cause.

I feel like this was a mean girl action. I am disappointed and frustrated with how things went down and I am not sure I want to continue to serve on this board. Am I obligated to serve out the rest of my three year term?

I feel like there are so many places that could use my services and would respect me in the process. What should I do?

From,

Not a Mean Girl

Dear Not a Mean Girl,

Boy, oh boy! Did you ever open a can of Martha worms! Buckle your seatbelts, because I am about to rant.

First of all, please strike the following concept from your life forever: “I don’t want to make a scene and I hate being part of the drama that women are stereotyped to cause.” If I could Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind this out of your brain, I absolutely would. There are so many problems in this one sentence. First of all, never ever bottle up your emotions for the sake of being nice or polite. I know, I know, easier said than done. As women, we are programmed to be forever smiling, ever-helpful, and look good while doing it. De-program your brain from this as much as humanly possible. Start by feeling your feelings. Are you angry? Be angry. Are you hurt? Be hurt. Don’t apologize for it. Then PRACTICE acting according to these feelings. Am I saying to march in there all fire and glory, smashing breakables and swearing up a storm? No, not necessarily. Although, if you did, I wouldn’t blame you. What I would suggest is communicating your hurt feelings to the people who hurt them. Next, be prepared for complete inaction on their part. They will be offended and turned off. Fine. You’re not telling them they hurt your feelings for their sake. You are doing it for your sake. Being nice when you’re angry serves no one. Being polite to keep the peace serves no one. Be YOU, hurt feelings and all. This is not creating drama. This is being authentic.

I’d love to open a second can of worms about the stereotype bit of your sentence, but I will just say this instead: The perpetuation of false, oppressive, small-minded stereotypes about women stops here. If every woman would promise themselves, and each other, to quash these stereotypes, we could elevate ourselves and change the world. Don’t listen to them. Don’t buy into them. Don’t repeat them.

Ok, pause Ranting Martha. Let me interject by saying how truly admirable you are. Your service is a gift. Giving your time and energy for the betterment of a cause is incredibly kind and selfless.

Resume rant. Life is too short to be unappreciated by this organization. I understand you have invested in it, and you might want to stay. But, you should leave. It feels like abuse to give so selflessly and to be slighted in return. If it were me, it would hurt even more that their purpose is to help women. They should start by treating their own with more respect. Get out of there. There are other organizations you can invest in that will appreciate you. By staying with this organization, you are denying yourself other opportunities that could be better for you. I’m not saying you should volunteer for accolades. But, you are spending your precious (and sorry, but—finite) time. You get to choose where you want to spend it.

This policy can be used in a myriad of ways. For example!

Life is too short to be in a job you hate.

Life is too short to have friends that don’t cherish you.

Life is too short for bad boyfriends.

Life is too short to get an MBA. (Unless you really want to.)

Life is too short for cheap sheets.

Life is too short to not eat cheeseburgers.

Life is too short to ignore your true feelings.

End rant.

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.