Plant Medicine Evicted my Addict
I started self-medicating when I was 14 years old with a bottle of Robitussin DM cough syrup. I gagged down that vile and vicious swill in my bathroom before going to school one morning. My friend Tammy convinced me it was a good idea (holy shit, it was not!), and I had to leave the first period to puke my guts up. Then, pupils as large as marbles--the bad kind of “Kaleidoscope eyes”--and tripping balls, I went back to my class and finished out the day. And I liked it.
Then, I progressed to orange juice and vodka, stolen from my friend’s stepmother’s stash. I learned from that same friend how to spot the mark adults put on the label to monitor if we were drinking it and then refill it back with water after we finished. Then the real MVP arrived on the scene in the form of a Bartle & James wine cooler— I learned that as long as it was sticky sweet, I could drink enough to release some pressure and quiet my anxieties. I fell hard and fast, drinking every opportunity I could and hiding it from my religious parents and friends.
By age 21, it was time to straighten up to marry my returned missionary in the St. George LDS temple. I didn’t want to stop drinking and wistfully looked backward while walking forward into my perfect Mormon wife-life. Add babies starting at age 24, and now you have a frazzled and fractured young mother, jealous of the people drinking glamorous drinks at dinner as I helped with the kid’s meal crossword. I also felt guilty afterward for craving something so sinful and wrong.
I started dabbling in drinking over the years, ramping up in my forties when I discovered marijuana. It was balls to the freakin’ wall with MDMA, Malibu Rum, marijuana gummies, and vodka from that moment forward. I would take just about anything while drinking you under the table, and I was defensive, refusing to acknowledge that something was wrong. My substance abuse eventually baby-stepped itself into a giant step issue, which we mostly ignored.
I justified my constant need to self-medicate as the price of living an unconventional life (translation: trainwreck). My former husband and I wrote the book on living in denial, and as two people running from their problems, we perfected the art of escape. He worked in the hotel industry, and traveling was our life—we played well together and discovered that a different city also meant doing whatever we wanted to where no one knew our names or our church callings. Escaping was essential to our relationship and permitted me to indulge, and I took full advantage of it.
Six months ago, I discovered plant medicine, and it has healed me, nourished me, and helped mend my previously broken heart. Psilocybin therapy has given me back intense love. It has helped me process shame and acceptance of myself, no small undertaking, mind you, and has offered new insights into my life and relationships. Psilocybin use has evicted the addict in me and replaced her with connection, empathy, and understanding. I’ve stopped drinking almost altogether, and not because I was forced to-- it honestly doesn’t appeal to me when I could have plant medicine connection instead.
Did you know that in a 2011 study by Roland Griffiths, researchers found that a single high dosage of psilocybin can cause long-term changes in the personality of its users? More than half of the participants showed an increase in the personality dimensions of empathy and openness. Over one year after the study, this fantastic side effect was still going strong. The analysis is critical because, before this, no research has effectively demonstrated personality change in healthy adults after an experiment. Ever. When psilocybin is ingested in the bloodstream it then converts to psilocin, which acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain by sending it’s own signals. This is the science, and it helps to actually “change your mind.”
We also learned from a 2017 study that “Doses of psilocybin inducing mystical-type experiences brought more lasting changes to traits including altruism, gratitude, forgiveness, and feeling close to others when used in practice with a regular meditation practice.” This mushroom plant medicine is currently being used to successfully treat depression, PTSD, anxiety, cluster/migraine headaches and help heal trauma. It’s healing my trauma.
When I self-medicated with pills and alcohol, it was 100% about disconnecting from life and those around me and numbing. When taking mushroom plant medicine, it is 100% about connecting with myself, my husband, my loved ones, and mother earth. I turn the world off so that I can tune myself into my inner child—she’s bossy and talks a lot. I find even more appreciation for colors and music and life itself. I wake up with no hangovers, no black spots, no shame, and no regret.
Plant medicine has rewired me and kicked my addiction to the curb after an extended 35-year run, and nobody is more surprised than me. I am slowly becoming the mother I had desired to be, and I am finding joy in serving my children and loving my husband. This beautiful gift from nature is helping me evolve into the person I always hoped I could become.